My Breastfeeding Journey Continued

So where was I.

Once we were discharged from hospital it was so lovely to finally be at home together finally as a family.

Upon leaving the hospital I think I have a very slight feeling of how prisoners feel when they are released. I did not feel at all like a part of the world that surrounded me. For 6 days I had been inside, not even able to see the world outside.
I was completely consumed by my little world inside the hospital I had no idea what was happening in the world outside those 4 walls. I hadn't seen any news, read a paper, nothing. I was oblivious to anything else that was happening.

I felt like I was skipping school or something when we drove out of that hospital carpark, it is a very surreal feeling that I have trouble putting into words.
I just did not feel a part of the world around me.

Anyhow, we went home on the Friday afternoon and it was so nice to shower in my shower and sleep in my bed, oh and to sit on a lounge, now that was bliss! No more hard hospital chairs. I think this aided my recovery very much, however now that I was home I was moving around a lot more and not just sitting next to Lily's crib in the SCN. This did make me quite sore.

Due to Lily being so small (born at 2965g) and the difficult first week to life we had a midwife visit us everyday for the first week.
She first came on the Sunday and was quite happy with how Lily presented, she had also put on 237 grams in two days which they were extremely happy with.

I was still feeding with the nipple shield and at the beginning of most feeds I would try to attach her directly to the breast, however Lily was just not able to.

On the Monday when the midwives returned Lily had not gained nor lost weight she was the same weight as the day before 2830g.

I think this is where the stress began. Lily was slightly jaundiced and by now only just over 38weeks gestation. She was a very sleepy baby and they wanted me to wake her for feeds.
I found this in itself stressful I would try to wake her, she wasn't interested in feeding, I would try cold flannels, tickling her, anything I could think of to rouse her interest. I would try this for over an hour and Lily still wouldn't have fed.
So there we were, an hour of disturbed sleep for Lily, and an hour closer to when she was supposed to be feeding again and we were no closer to her feeding.

It was then that the pressure to introduce formula began. The hospital wanted me to call in and collect a sachet of formula to feed to her as she would more than likely just feed from a bottle as it is much easier than feeding from the breast.
I was in tears, I really didn't want to do that. I asked them if I could feed her EBM instead, but they wanted her to have the formula as it had more fat in it.

It was then that I thought to myself she would put on weight as the formula has more fat, but it certainly isn't going to improve her long term health purely from the extra fat. I guess what I was trying to say to myself is that I really couldn't justify the formula when I could give her the EBM, what I thought would be best for her. It was then that I was naughty and gave her the EBM instead of formula.

When the midwife returned the next day Lily had lost 180 grams, this is a huge weight loss and then they spoke of re-admitting her to hospital and asked me to stop breastfeeding, I said excuse me? Forget it there is no way I am going to stop breastfeeding Lily, in terms of long term health that is what is best for her.

They were also concerned that she wasn't getting enough through the shield, however she was not strong enough to attach directly to the breast.
From then on every waking moment Lily had I was feeding her, either on the breast or EBM, I was constantly walking around the house expressing as much as I possilby could. I was exhausted from the stress, I wasn't sleeping or eating I was just so worried for Lily's wellbeing. I doubted myself, my body and also my abilities to continue to nourish Lily. I was so lucky to have the support of my Mum, who encouraged me to continue to breastfeed. However even at this point everyone could see how stressed I was and suggested that I 'just put her on the bottle' like it was nothing. To me it was everything.

The birth that Lily and I endured was horrendous, the stress and worry of having your baby whisked away and not be told anything was very stressful. I have always wanted to breastfeed and if that was taken away from me also I really think I would have been at breaking point.
The birth and that first week were nothing at all like I had always dreamt of and so I really didn't want to lose the one thing that I was working so hard at.

Thankfully the next day seen a 40gram weight gain, that brought us some time, oh the relief. I used to wake each morning with the stress of the midwives coming to weigh Lily, the threat looming of being re-admitted to hospital. I used to dread it. You know the feeling, when you hop on the scales you want to see the numbers going down, but now I wanted them to go up at an astonishing rate.

On the Thursday we had to go back to the hospital to see the paeditrician again. The sick feeling I got when I walked through those doors took my breath away, I wanted to be anywhere but in that hospital.
The paeditrician was 'satisfied' with Lily's weight gain however wanted to see the shield gone. I felt like getting up and screaming at him 'you think I don't!' I was still trying at most feeds to get Lily to feed without the shield but she just didn't have the strength.
He sent me that day to see a Lactation Consultant at a hospital in the city to 'get rid of the shield.'
When I got to the hospital the LC was just as angry as I had been. She was completely on my side. Like she said it isn't just a matter of getting rid of it, Lily has to be ready. I think they see a lot of that paeds just don't understand that side of it sometimes.
She was so lovely, reassuring and commended me on my dedication to continue BFing. Once I explained the whole story to her she said she'd completely understand if I had had enough and wanted to put her on the bottle.
I guess that is where the Taurus in me comes out, I am a stubborn bull!
We tried various methods to attach Lily, with the conclusion that she just wasn't ready.

So we continued on for a few days and Lily was steadily putting on weight.

Until the following Friday night, Lily just flat out refused to feed from me, she only wanted the bottle. I tried at every feed, but she would just scream so I was exclusively expressing and feeding her through the bottle.
On the Saturday night we went to Mums for dinner, we had had a horrendous day Lily just screamed all day. Once we walked through the door and I seen Mum it was just to much I just dissolved into tears. By now even Mum was suggesting for mine and Lily's health perhaps the bottle was the way to go.
Of course being a weekend I couldn't contact the LC. So I resolved I would phone her first thing on Monday morning.
All weekend Lily wouldn't feed from me.
On Monday morning as I was bathing Lily and I was so consumed by the stress of it. I looked down at Lily and realised that something had to give I was no longer enjoying my baby girl, I had to do something.

I rang the LC at 9:01 and she told me to come down whenever I could. So Mum came over and we headed to the hospital in the city.
Joanne the LC was just so lovely and even she said. 'Look Jess you have given this all you can, do not feel you have failed if you cannot go on' I still wanted to keep trying though.
We tried for a while and then it happened.... LILY ATTACHED! We all looked at each other in amazement! Lily was feeding directly from the breast! None of us could believe it!
She wasn't very consistent and kept coming off, which Joanne was worried would give me cracked nipples, but I didn't care she was feeding!

I was instructed to stop on the way home and buy some Lansinoh cream, which I did. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to get her to attach at home, but from that day on Lily has not fed from the shield or had a bottle.
It was quite difficult for a few weeks to get her to attach and feed properly but I was persistent, Cameron suggested one night to top her up with the bottle, but one stern look from me ensured he never mentioned it again.

Sure enough due to Lily coming off frequently I ended up with cracked and bleeding nipples. Also the shield didn't help as my nipples didn't have the conditioning from feeding from day one. The Lansinoh cream was my saviour, and I also tried to air them whenever I could. I used to sit in the dining room where the morning sun shone in with my boobs out to try to help them heal. Now I can chuckle looking back, but at the time, oh the pain. If my clothes brushed up against them or I knocked myself, it would bring tears to my eyes.

One the Wednesday, the day before Lily's paed appt Joanne phoned to see how we were going. I thought this was lovely, she didn't have to do that.
She warned me to not be alarmed if Lily hasn't had a big weight gain as feeding from the breast is harder work and therefore she would burn more calories.

On the Thursday we returned to the hospital, that same sick feeling returned, but thankfully my rock, my Mum came with me.
We walked in to have Lily weighed, again the sick feeling got worse, the scales went up and down for a while and finally rested on a figure, Lily had put on 500 grams! What a little champion!!!
Lily now weighed 3570grams at 26 days up from 3060 at 15 days. I was so proud of her!
When we went in to see the paed he as most impressed, stating that it must be some kind of world record! World record or not I didn't care.
I will never forget the pride I felt in myself and Lily sitting in that room cradling my daughter, we had done it, we defied everyone, and we did it without a drop of formula!

When we left the hospital I was floating on cloud 9. Mum commented that in that room she saw the world lift from my shoulders and instead be replaced by a giant smile.

My nipples were still cracked and bleeding, each attachment left me in tears but I couldn't have cared less, I was breastfeeding.
Each day it improved somewhat and now, well it is a very enjoyable, special bonding time for Lily and I.

I just love it, regardless of what is happening that is our special time together, no one else can feed my daughter besides me, and I love that.

So if you have gotten through this entry, I commend you! It is mammoth but I really wanted to record it before bits and peices are forgotten. Also so that I can show Lily what trouble she caused!
Thanks for reading.