Packing My Old Life Away

We had quite a relaxing weekend, spent mainly at home which makes for a lovely change.

Well for me anyway, poor Cameron worked all day on Saturday and then yesterday we spent all day working around the house, organising, tidying and cleaning up.

Yesterday I packed the last of my horse gear out of the nursery and into boxes in the shed. The dirty things like rugs, saddlecloths etc were already in the shed but in the nursery I had my show gear, chaps, helmet, gloves, new rugs, hoods, browbands, bridles, whip etc.

It is now all packed away in the shed. It was quite a strange feeling doing it actually, packing this stuff away and not knowing when or if I will use it again.

Of course packing things away also brings back a lot of memories, although with my last horse Jack we had our fair share of problems, he was quite a difficult horse, undeniably horses are my passion and have been since I was a small child, for as long as I can remember I have always had a pony or a horse, apart from one 6 month break I had between my soulmate horse Elvis, who to this day I still regret selling and when I brought Jack.

I am very excited about the next stage of my life and am not particulary sad about not having a horse anymore, I gues it is just the realisation that things will never be the same again.

Even if I do get another horse, there will be no spending hours at the stables talking with friends, getting up at the crack of dawn and mostly before then to go to a show would require a hell of a lot more planning, and when I come home from a show there will be no having of a long hot shower and then relaxing on the lounge with takeaway pizza looking at the photos and footage from the day.

From now I am somebodys Mother.... somebody that will be reliant on me in every aspect 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Somebody who is going to look to me for love, guidance, attention, reassurance, direction, discipline, fun and many more things I am sure.

I am so excited and oh so ready for this, I guess it is just now starting to sink in that my life will never be the same again, no longer will I be able to just hop in the car and go for a drive, just little things like that.

I am however more than ready to embrace this next step in my life.

So here is a photo of my old life packed neatly away in the shed. I said to Cameron, I can't believe how much stuff I had for one horse! He replied to me that he can't belive how much stuff I have for no horse!

Yes ironic I know but to sell my gear and have to replace it down the track would just be rediculous and cost us an absolute fortune!

Thought I'd add in a pic of my old horse Jack also, just for old times sake. He was so beautiful, if only he had a brain to go with it!

And one more...

And here is a picture of some bubby clothes I brought online from Pumpkin Patch, such lovely quality. Really must stop buying baby clothes, Bub has sooo many clothes!
The picture didn't turn out too well as I took it on our cream bed spread.
Note the blue beanie and booties, I think I have a little blue bundle in my belly! I guess time will tell.

I am not at work today as I have uni exams, so really must be off to do some last minute study.

My Exciting News For The Day

Yep it's only 7:30am and I already have exciting news! No it isn't that I am currently studying for uni exams that I have on Monday and Tuesday.

My exciting news is that my body is preparing to nurture our baby...

I have read in one of my pregnancy books that by now our body is beginning to produce Colostrum and that if you squeeze your boobs when in the shower when they are warm you may see some.

Well guess what, I did!!! I was just having a shower and thought I would give it a try, and out of both breasts I got some colostrum! I am so excited maybe I do underestimate my body and myself, maybe, just maybe my body is capable of nourishing our child and producing a healthy, happy baby.

I guess I am still in a way waiting to have this dream, all that I want, cruelly snatched away from me, I realise that my fears are probably irrational, but I can't help but worry that this could all be taken away from me.

Don't get me wrong, these thoughts don't occupy my day, unfortunately numbers, figures and statistics do!

Generally I am positive and happy, but sometimes my self doubt sneaks up on me, but I squash it quickly now.

Onto more exciting news, we have ordered our cot and cradle! I am really happy with our purchases ( HUGE Thankyou to my dearest Mum and stepdad John for buying our babies cot)

They didn't have any of the cradles in stock so we will be collecting the cradle next weekend.

I just love the cot and cradle. Originally we were going to get a bassinette however when we went to the baby shops and were looking, I just love the cradles, they just look so, I don't know, traditional??? Does that make sense? Anyhow I just had to have it and it was a lot cheaper than I was expecting, I cant wait to get it home and set it up.
Cameron has already moved our bedroom around so that the cradle will fit comfortably next to my side of the bed.

We got to bring the change table home with us, which I was happy about, at least I could set something up!

So here is a pic of our change table all set up.

I have got the nappy stacker hanging over a folded up face towel on the change table, as I didn't want to scratch the wood. It looks a bit funny, but oh well.

Last Saturday night, so at 23w 2d when we were at Mums, Mum took a couple of belly pics, in the photos I look so tired and haggered so I will include just the one of my belly.So besides that nothing much exciting is happening, this morning I am going to spend studying for my exams, Cameron is at work, so hopefully he wont work all day, and we will be able to spend some time together this afternoon

Friday The 13th

Enjoy your life today, because yesterday has passed and tomorrow may never come…

Well the day has come, and quite quickly might I add.

Today Cameron and I should be cradling our newborn son or daughter, sharing this amazing time with our families and just idolising our first child.

Unfortunately for some unknown reason this was not meant to be, I am quite at peace with the situation, don’t get me wrong I would do anything to change it, however there are plenty of people out there much worse off than me.

I am so blessed to be pregnant again with a happy healthy baby and each day I am so very thankful for this.

After miscarrying our baby I guess I now have a better understanding and empathy for these awful things that we have to endure sometimes on the path to where we are going.
In some ways I feel guilty for being upset over a miscarriage when there are others out there who have suffered much worse, stillbirths, having to terminate a pregnancy further into the pregnancy due to abnormalities, what I have gone through does not compare to these however I also feel I am allowed to be sad for our experience.

Now when I see someone solemnly walking down the street, when someone gets grumpy and pushes past me or someone just looking down right down, I try not to judge as you just don’t know what battle these people are fighting.
Sometimes I see people look at me with envy or pain when they see I am pregnant I now know that perhaps they have suffered a miscarriage, perhaps they are infertile, perhaps they are having trouble conceiving or perhaps their partners don’t want children.
For this reason I just softly smile at these people because I feel terrible for whatever battle they may be fighting, and I feel incredibly lucky for the position that I am in.

So today I shed a tear for our angel baby playing up there in the clouds and ask that you please realise just how much we love and miss you and wish that things could be different.

And today I feel even more lucky to be me, to be in the position that I am, to be carrying our baby and I so look forward to the day when we meet our baby I cant wait to cradle you in my arms, smell your sweet skin and shower you with love and adoration.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

The Big Purchases

I am feeling a little more reassured today, I have felt bubs wiggling around more today than I have for the past couple days.

I am thinking that it is also possible that bubs has moved around or changed positions and therefore I can’t feel as much??? It is so hard trying not to analyse and worry about everything.

I was saying to Cameron the other night, I worry so much now what will it be like when bubs comes along I will worry even more about other things, maybe or maybe I’ll be to tired to ha ha.

We still haven’t gone shopping for the cot, change table etc yet, however I have been browsing in magazines and online a bit and am in love with the Boori Sleigh cot, it is just devine.

On Sunday we were in Myers and of course had to have a look in the baby section, they had quite a nice Bertini cot for $499, the colour isn’t exactly what I was after but it is still a nice cot.

I was talking to Mum because Mum and John are buying our cot, and I was saying that if we get that cot it will be a lot cheaper as the cot and matching change table only comes to $800 whereas the Boori cot alone is about $1,100.00.

Mum didn’t seem to fussed and just told me to be sure that I am happy with the cot that we choose as we will be using it for a while and also it will be used for all children that we have. (lets see how we go with number one first!)

However especially with Mum not working now I am inclined to not want to put them out of pocket too much, and at the end of the day the cot will still be nice and as long as it is safe and comfortable does the rest matter? Bubs isn’t going to mind.

As Cameron said though when we actually go to the baby shops and look we will see lots more cots, can you believe I have never been in a baby store before? All of my purchases so far have been online or from department stores, look out bank account!

When we go into the shops now I see so many things I want to buy and Cameron always says to me to wait until we go to the baby stores and see what they have as it is likely I will find something better there.

Perhaps this weekend we will go shopping for Cots etc, how exciting!

Quiet Days

Over the weekend I noticed that bubs wasn't as active as usual, I just tried to tell myself that as it was the weekend and we were quite busy and active that I probably just wasn't taking as much notice of bubs movements.

Today bubs has been quiet again and so this morning I decided to phone the hospital, the guy I spoke with was really nice and he suggested that I come in so that we could listen to bubs heartbeat, even if just for reassurance.

On a Tuesday I finish work early to go into uni for lectures and tutes, they have finisihed for the semester however I am still finishing early for the next couple of weeks so that I can come home and study for exams.

So today when I finished work I drove down to the hospital and went to the birthing and assesment unit, the lady there used the dopplear to listen to bubs heartbeat, it was beating away nicely and all appears to be normal.

She made me feel a little silly for coming in and told me that babies have quiet days which I am well aware of however the midwife had suggested that I come in and I am glad that I did for my reassurance, I would much rather feel a little silly and like I overreacted a little than be sitting at home stressing over lack of movements.

So all appears to be good with bubs, thank goodness.
However my blood pressure is still up... not quite sure what to make of that, we will see how it is when I see my doctor next Thursday.

Friday this week will not be a happy occasion for me, I do not look forward to Friday like i normallly would. This Friday June 13th is my due date.... this Friday June 13th we should be holding our angel in our arms not sitting here in tears because all I have is precious few memories of the sheer joy of finding out we were to be expecting our first child.

I am incredibly blessed to be pregnant now with a baby that we love more than words I can find to describe it, however it does not stop me from feeling guttered that we we will never get to nurse, cuddle, love and nurture the baby that was taken away from us.

So my little angel floating in the clouds Mummy loves you very, very much and I am very sorry that you can't be here on earth with us, I feel very blessed to have been graced with your presence for the short time that I was.

I am not an overly superstitious person however I will not think of Friday the 13th's he same anymore.

Bettter go, screeen is looking a little foggy.

Friday!

Yay, today is Friday, and what is even better is that it is Friday before a long weekend!

I didn’t work yesterday as I had a couple of dramas with the alarm and battery on the commodore, thankfully nothing major, can’t wait to sell that car! Damned Holdens!

Anyhow I had such a wonderful day, Lisa picked me up at about 9:45am, and we went to the first screening of the Sex And The City movie!!! I was literally bouncing with excitement, I have missed those 4 girls so much over the past 4 years since season 6 ended!

I have all of the seasons on DVD and watch them quite regularly.
The movie was fantastic, not exactly what I was expecting, and if I’m honest probably not quite as good as I was expecting, however I totally loved it all the same, as usual I ate too much popcorn but that’s ok.

After the movie we did a spot of shopping, I was well behaved I only brought 2 pram toys and the Sex And The City movie book.

I had a lovely day with Lisa, days like that are good for the soul, and well worth an annual leave day that it cost me.

I really want to see the movie again so I will drag Cameron along with me, wasn’t he excited last night when I informed him of this *dripping in sarcasm*
I feel sorry for the poor guy, we only ever see chic flicks, I really should surprise him and suggest to go see a blokey movie, one day…

Some of bubs movements are getting quite strong now, which I am loving. Still only early days though at 22w 1d, but isn’t a real active bub either, s/he is most active when I am sitting at my desk working, yep I find it boring to bubs!

I am just trying to enjoy each day as it comes, rather than constantly be looking forward to the next milestone.
I have booked my 3d/4d scan for Friday the 18th of July at 10:30am, so we are excited about that, feels ages away but I am sure it will be here before we know it.
We are allowed to have 10 guests! I was quite surprised by that, I will feel like an exhibition if we have that many people there, still a bit of time to give it some thought.
I think we will go out for lunch after the scan with whoever comes with us, I will just be buzzing with excitement I am sure, that will also be the last peak at bubs before s/he graces us with their presence!

It all still seems so surreal, I walk past the formal lounge where the pram is living and as I glance in there I almost feel like a fraud, sort of like, what am I doing with a pram for heavens sake???!!!
I am not sure that it will fully sink in until our precious bundle is actually born, I thought it would sink in once I started feeling movements, but no not really.

Maybe I’m just in denial!!! No it’s not that, I think I am just so happy right now that I don’t fully believe that this is truly happening, I mean how could I be so blessed to have everything in my life fall into place?
I guess we get used to always working towards something and there is usually one aspect of your life that you want to change or improve in some way, but at the moment I can honestly say that I don’t wish to change a single thing, everything is how and where I want it, but at the same time I have worked damn hard to get to this point, and I deserve to be here, so for goodness sake Jess just relish in it!

Ok must run before I increase my blood pressure more by getting frustrated with myself.

Just Plodding Along

Not a great deal is happening at the moment, just plodding along with life.

On the weekend I went and watched a friend at a horse show on Saturday, it was lovely just sitting in the sun, watching the world pass me by.

Saturday afternoon I was hit by the most unexpected wall of tiredness, I couldn't believe how quickly it hit me!

On Sunday we had racing, which went fairly well they are slowly fixing the probs with the bike, didn't really get any decent pictures.

On Sunday a guy came off of his bike and was really badly injured, the rescue helicopter was flown in to pick him up, thankfully he has now been released from hospital and is on the mend, however it made me feel ill seeing that helicopter land and then take off carrying a critically injured person with their life hanging in the balance.

I have so much admiration and respect for the stellar job that our paramedics do, they really are angels on this earth.

On Monday I had my appointment with the doctor at the hospital for a follow up after my Morph scan. All my results from the scan came back as being fine, bubby is spot on for growth and development.

The only worrying aspect is my blood pressure, it has been elevated for the past two visits, I now have to have it monitored every 2 weeks and see how it develops.

It is quite likely that I could contract toxemia/pre-eclempsia as my Mum was borderline and my Grandma was very sick with it and spent quite a while hospitalised due to this.

This does worry me a little however I think it is more of a risk to me than the baby and I am comfortable with that, I just don't want anything bad to happen to our little bun in the oven. I am trying to not get to ahead of myself either in regards to this, we will just continue to monitor my blood pressure and see how things develop, at least we have picked up on this early. Stressing about it will only make my blood pressure higher!

The doctor and also my family have been really trying to get me to slow down, life is so busy with work and uni etc, especially with exam time only a few weeks away, Cameron wants me to finish work at the end of July, however I am just not sure, I have worked and studied full time since I was 16 it is going to be such a big adjustment leaving paid employment. However on the other hand I really need to accept the fact that my life is changing and I really do need to take things back a step or two.

Anyhow best be off to get some study and housework done before leaving for work, I have to drop Charlie off on the way this morning at the vets, as he is being desexed, poor little man!