One More Sleep

Well tomorrow is the day that I find out how things are going with bubs.

I am feeling quite anxious but also looking forward to knowing either one way or the other.

I am just praying that bubs has been doing a lot of growing since my last scan two weeks ago.

I am not quite sure how I will react if things aren’t as they should be, to be honest I am trying to stay positive and not allow negativity to take over.

I have made a promise to myself that if I god forbid am to have another m/c I will not throw myself into horse riding to ease the pain.

This is what I did last time just threw myself into my riding.

There is nothing wrong with focussing on my interests to numb the pain, however I went a little to far.

I pushed it out of my mind and just continued on with life as it was for about a month.
At this point I broke down and realised that I hadn’t allowed myself to grieve for the baby, hopes and dreams that myself and DP had lost.

The poor guy he couldn’t even speak to me about the m/c as I would just push him away and go on about Jack’s training schedule or anything to avoid addressing the m/c.

I was so scared to TTC again as I was and to some point still am petrified of having another m/c.
I try to look at it from the point of view that all I can do is love this baby with all I have for however long I am blessed with h/her presence, be it a week a month or hopefully for the rest of my living life.

I don’t want to look back on my pregnancy or even if I do m/c I don’t want to look back and realise that I spent the whole time stressed and worried, I cannot alter fate, whatever will be will be regardless of my actions.

Creating life is the most amazing thing I have ever been a part of and I am going to enjoy every step of this journey, I feel so blessed that I am even able to fall pregnant.

Up To Speed

I thought that I had better post an update to the ‘situation’

On Friday the 15th I had my first dating scan. I took the day off of work as my scan was at 10:30 and I knew that if it was bad news I would be in no fit state to continue onto work.

I got in early for my scan which I was really happy about as I was feeling quite anxious and also had a VERY full bladder!
The lady who performed the scan was quite clinical and not personable at all.
She had no problems in finding the baby with an external ultrasound she took some measurements and told me that I was 5w and 4d. This gave me a due date of October 13th.
I said to her that I was at least 7 weeks however she was adamant that there was no way this was possible.
Bub had a heartbeat of 111bpm which I thought was quite good for that gestation.
I left the ultrasound place feeling happy that we had a heartbeat but quite dejected and stressed that I was measuring 1w and 5d behind my dates.
When I got home I promptly burst into tears and cried and cried for some time.
I managed to advise DP and also my Mum about the outcome of the scan and both tried to reassure me that everything will be fine.
I then worked my dates out and realised that it is near impossible that I am only that far along, so I was then quite worried that baby isn’t developing as they should be, I still am.

I went to my doctor on the Saturday morning, he was fantastic not only because he was reassuring but just because I have been seeing him since I was little and he is just a gem.
He said that he was inclined to think that the measurements were out as he was surprised that there was a heartbeat at that gestation.
He gave me a referral for an ultrasound in 10 – 14 days after the first ultrasound.

I am having that ultrasound this Friday at 4:00pm I am obviously praying that baby has done a lot of growing in the past fortnight and that I will be measuring closer to my dates than the dates given at the first ultrasound.

I have been surprisingly calm in the past couple weeks and haven’t been stressing to much apart from about other matters on hand.
Last Tuesday Camerons sister, her husband and their newborn son Bronte were flown down to Adelaide after is was discovered two days after he was born that he has major components of his heart that have not formed. It has been a very stressful week.

Anyhow this entry just brings current events up to date will be back soon for a little more detail.

Up To Speed

I really just want to know if this pregnancy is viable or not….

I realise that even if it is and there is a heartbeat that there is still a long road ahead, however I will be over the first speed bump and that would give me a bit of confidence.

I have been thinking that if this pregnancy does not last and I do indeed miscarry, I may even stop TTC.
I say this now but it is something that I really don’t want to do, I want to be pregnant and have a baby, more than I want anything else.

I was thinking perhaps we would wait a couple of years until I had finished uni and then we could probably set ourselves up even better financially and probably even buy an investment property.

Or we could buy a block of land and build a home (something I would love to do) we could then rent our house we are in now out and live in the new house, this is all very loose planning but I know that more than any of this I want to have a baby.

I walk past our spare room which will become the nursery, I glance in there at the nice furniture, but I know that is not what I want to be in there.

I want it to be our childs nursery not a spare room.

We were going to pull up some of our lawn out the back and pave it so as to save on maintenance and water in the drought, but we decided against this as I want our children to be able to play out the back on the lawn, take their first tumble off their bike on the soft lawn rather than the hard pavers.

Everything in our lives has been planned around having a child, I was going to buy a nice new little car for me to drive to work and it would be nice and easy to park in the city for uni, but again we decided against it as it wouldn’t be big enough for baby, pram, shopping etc. Our bigger car also would provide more safety if we were to god forbid have an accident.

This is what we both want and have both been planning for.
I think I am thinking of other things we could do to lessen the pressure on myself a bit.

And I do know that I am so blessed in many other areas of my life, I have lots to be thankful for, but it doesn’t stop the yearning.

For the second time today I am babbling so I shall leave it there.

We had a lovely day yesterday down at the beach, Cameron’s parents have an apartment down there for the week, even though work is to busy for me to have any time off it was lovely to escape reality for the day.

I will add a few pics in this post, the one of me is me collecting rocks for my garden pots at home, I have heaps! I love pot plants, I know it is probably a bit cheeky taking them but there was so many rocks on this particular part of the beach I am sure they won’t miss 50 or so of them.
Poor Cameron having to carry the bag back to the car it was very heavy! I thought the bottom was going to fall out!

Now, a bit about the situation I have been trying to avoid…..

It would appear that I am pregnant, well I assume I am pregnant, I think about 5 ½ weeks along, although i’m not to sure of when I ovulated.

I have had 2 positive tests, although the second one was lighter so after that I decided not to test anymore, that was a week ago.

I have booked into the doctors for Thursday evening after work, I think my doctor will want to give me an early scan, which I am happy about.

I guess before then I should take another test and see what the result is.

Now reading this back, it all sounds like I am very calm, don’t be fooled, I am freaking out here, it is the most mixed amount of emotions, but strangely I am not excited at all, is this my conscience already preparing me for the result, another miscarriage?
Or is it me being completely paranoid, and this is the argument I have with myself all day every day!

I have not allowed myself to be excited for any more than 5 minutes at a time, I am just so damn scared of what is going to happen.
This is SUPPOSED to be the most amazing, exciting time of my life, not the most petrifying.

I even allowed myself to think yesterday when I stole 5 minutes to myself walking on the beach, if this isn’t a successful pregnancy, is it gods way of trying to tell me that I am not supposed to be a parent?

I know that sounds crazy but at the moment there are so many thoughts running through my head I am exhausted, I don’t know what side of my brain to side with.

Some people may think that I should have gone to the doctors already, the way I see it if I am pregnant it is early days, there is nothing that the doctors can do it is not like I am 20 weeks.

I am still doing everything a pregnant woman should be doing, eating well, moderate exercise, drinking lots of water, taking pregnancy vitamins, relaxing (he he we both know that’s a lie) so when I do go to the doctors I am only going to be that bit further along, which is good, or I will have begun to miscarry, in which I will be there for a totally different reason.

I realise that I am babbling now so I am going to leave it there and post some pics from yesterday, mostly from sun down.