Guilt

I think I know what is driving my worry, guilt...

Everyday I look at Lily, I look into her trusting eyes as she gazes up at me, I am her everything. Lily relies totally and utterly 100% on me for everything and I feel nothing but absolute guilt.

I feel extremely guilty that it is my fault for everything that Lily has been through. I should have refused to be induced, I should have tried different medication, I should have demanded to be admitted to hospital for BP monitoring, I should have spent more time sitting with my feet up to help my swelling and try to keep my BP down.

For goodness sakes it is not even Lily's EDD yet. On the 9th of October, this Thursday when Lily was due to enter this world, she will already be 18 days old. That is 18 days that Lily was entitled to still be baking away in my belly, food and drink on tap, not forced into this harsh world and put through what she has been put through.

I should have stuck to my guns. I had read all the horror stories about inductions, I knew the statistics of babies going into distress, I knew the percentage of inductions that end in caesereans, and yet I still allowed myself to be induced, to put my unborn child at risk of that and worse. Why? Because I was told I was going to be induced and also because I did not trust my body to nurture my unborn child.

I thought I could protect my baby more if they were here in my arms. How wrong I was.

I should have spent much more time preparing and equipping myself for a positive birth experience, one of which would happen when my baby was ready, not have spent my time reading horror stories.

I went into hospital with horror stories in my head, and what did I get? My very own horror story. One that I am totally consumed by guilt about.

Every day when I look into Lily's beautiful, innocent, trusting eyes I am wracked with guilt. It is my fault that Lily went through what she did, and I don't know quite how I am going to put it behind me and move forward.